I realised I wasn't a woman

This post is sourced from my old blog.

Original Blog Date: August 5, 2023

With a body that fits most standards of a typically feminine prototype, for the most of my life I blocked out the possibility of me not being a woman. I tried to fit in as many femme stereotypes as i physically could. At one point in November 2022 my body started telling me that I cannot conform to being a woman anymore. I was devastated. Because my brain knew this information for a bit now, this was the first time my body resonated with it.

How?

I danced. And my body told me that's not how I am supposed to look, that's not how i should be moving, something does not feel like it's me in my body. As a woman, or as a man. I was there, where the diverged roads met, and were to diverge again. Not just that I didn't know where to go, but I also realised I never knew how to walk in the first place. I realised that gender never made any sense to me in the first place. Me being a woman was the biggest lie I told myself and everyone around me.

I left dancing for multiple months. I still don't think I can do it as I used to. Dancing and gender were so closely dependent on each other for me, i didn't know. But the realisation nearly left me in a figurative paralysis.

Where am I now, i don't know. What am I, I don't know.

I am not a woman, not a man. Do I hate my body? No. Am i trying to change it? Not at all.

I miss the woman I was acting out to be, sometimes. On most days, I pity her.